


but you're winning

by thisissirius



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode Tag, M/M, Season 4 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-19
Updated: 2011-10-19
Packaged: 2017-10-24 19:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin knows it's foolish to think he will ever be free.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but you're winning

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers for 4x03

Merlin pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.

It should be a day of celebration. Arthur was _King_ ; everything he had been working for since he arrived. That didn’t stop the emptiness in the pit of his stomach or the pounding behind his eyes. Every time he made advances, every time he managed to convince Arthur there was more to magic than fear and hatred, it felt like a new world spreading out beneath his feet. Then it would all fall apart because Merlin wasn’t quick enough, experienced enough, _good enough_ to make it last. Arthur hated magic more than ever and Merlin didn’t know how to fix it this time.

There was a thrum of resentment at Gaius. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time, because if he had just left the necklace where it was, maybe Arthur would have _seen_ -

“Merlin.”

Merlin looked up to see Arthur standing in the doorway. His head was free of the crown but Merlin fancied he could still it in the light from the hallway. Shaking his head, he turned back to staring at the wall. Gaius was out on rounds and Merlin was grateful – it meant he could wallow in his own misery without feeling the need to hold his tongue. Until now.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said, before Arthur could speak. “For telling you that I would use magic in your position.”

A strange expression crossed Arthur’s face but it wasn’t one Merlin could decipher. After a beat, Arthur moved across the room, sliding down the wall to sit next to Merlin. Arthur rarely put himself on the same level as Merlin and it threw the conversation off kilter. Merlin could only watch the curve of Arthur’s wry smile.

“You’re implying I don’t have a mind of my own.” The expression sobered. “I chose magic, Merlin.”

A strangled noise escaped Merlin’s throat before he could stop it and he tried hard to ignore the look Arthur was giving him. It was that strange expression again, and Merlin hardly dared to try and figure it out. He didn’t know what it meant and right now he needed _certainty_.

Merlin didn’t know what else there was to say. Magic was a lost cause in Arthur’s eyes and everything about the future now seemed dangerous and lonely.

Arthur shifted his leg and Merlin felt his eyes draw to the necklace wrapped around Arthur’s wrist. It felt as though his whole face on fire, burning under the heat of Arthur’s scrutiny.

Merlin’s mouth worked but nothing came out. He felt his fingers spasm against his leg and he closed his eyes. _This was it,_ he thought. “It- Gaius said it was-”

“I know where it’s from,” Arthur said quickly. He didn’t sound angry. “I spoke with Gaius and it made me think.”

There wasn’t a part of Merlin that didn’t want Arthur to think. He needed Arthur to realise that Dragoon did everything he could – that _Merlin_ did everything he could. “Oh?”

His voice was far more shaky than he wanted it to be. He was better than this. How long had he been hiding now? Two, three years? It was getting harder to count the days, months, years. He was wrapped so tightly around himself that he feared he would never be free. Camelot, Albion, _Arthur_ , but never Merlin.

“About Dragoon.”

“It doesn’t change anything.” He forced the words out because they needed to be said. They were expected.

“That depends on your point of view.”

Merlin swallowed thickly. “You’ve made your point of view clear.”

There was a pause and then, “Merlin. Sometimes – I wonder if you don’t find magic appealing. You’ve always been _vocal_ with your support.”

“That’s not true,” Merlin said. _Liar_.

There was only one time – with Morgause and Ygraine and the threat to Uther’s life that came from the point of his own son’s sword. He could feel the fear creeping in again. The conversation was getting dangerous.

“You’re the King.”

Arthur sighed softly. “What does that change?”

“To talk of magic is treason, Arthur. Can you commit treason against yourself?”

“If I wasn’t the King right now, or the Prince,” Arthur said slowly. “What would you say?”

Merlin said nothing. He didn’t know how. To admit to wanting magic to be _allowed_ was as close as admitting what he was. Arthur wouldn’t know but it would be too dangerous. Gaius would warn him against it.

“He was trying to help,” Arthur said, finally. “I saw him perform the spell, Merlin. If this necklace really was the cause, as Gaius says, how could he have been to blame?”

Pressing the heels of his hands back against his eyes, Merlin shrugged. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

For a long time Arthur didn’t speak. There was so much left unspoken between them and so often, Merlin’s secret threatened to spill from his lips but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t risk losing Arthur even if – even if he didn’t really have him at all because how could they be friends when Merlin was hiding something so integral? Arthur was friends, _loyal friends_ , with a liar and a coward. A world in which Arthur was King, and so soon, Merlin didn’t know if he could ever measure up again. Everything was falling into place except for him.

“Merlin.” Arthur nudged him with his knee. “You can say anything to me.”

“No,” Merlin said, dragging the courage from somewhere. “No, I can’t.”

“You can,” Arthur pressed, and this time there was such an edge to his voice that Merlin looked. The expression was back and Merlin was determined to figure it out. He just needed to _think_. Except – there was only blackness and the sound of Uther’s last breath. Merlin had done that; destroyed the only parent Arthur had left because he’d wanted to share his secret.

He was so incredibly selfish.

“What do you want from me?” Merlin’s voice broke, but he kept his chin up, defiant to the last.

This time, Arthur’s smile was self-deprecating. “I told you once that there was something I couldn’t quite figure out about you.”

Merlin remembered well; _I am an open book_ , he wanted to say. It would be a lie, just like everything else. “So?”

Arthur stood slowly, resting a hand on Merlin’s shoulder for a brief moment. “Sometimes I think I’ve figured it out. And yet-”

He trailed off and Merlin waited until Arthur was almost at the door to let out the choked sob in the back of his throat. When Arthur paused but didn’t turn, Merlin clenched his hands into fists and said, “You’re all I have.”

Arthur rested a hand on the doorframe and turned back. “That’s not-”

“You’re all I want,” Merlin said, quickly. He couldn’t pause because he would lose the thread of thought and Arthur would be gone forever. “I’m so selfish.”

“Merlin,” Arthur said, tone hard. “I don’t think there’s a selfish bone in your body.”

Merlin curled into his knees and shook his way through several breaths. “You don’t know anything.”

“I know more than you think.”

It was only when Arthur’s footsteps had receded down the corridor that Merlin really heard the words. He had survived for so long on hope that he hardly dared believe he could have more. That Arthur knew _something_. He shook his head, scrubbing furiously at his eyes.

Foolish, perhaps, to think that he would ever be free.

**Author's Note:**

> written because. just because. it's been a long time ;_;


End file.
